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Like a Three-Year-Old: A Guide for Happier Holidays

10/25/2016

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A friend of mine asked me last week if I was ready for the holidays.

Ready? I haven't even started. Have you?

It's October and I already feel like I'm behind schedule. On Sunday, Bill and the boys put up the Halloween decorations – with only a bit more than one week to spare. We then headed off to the Halloween super store late in the day, picked up a few things for the boys’ costumes and then hit the Goodwill for inspiration and other supplies. Creating unique costumes with my boys is a fun project but I’ve got a deadline of Friday evening for the oldest boy’s outfit since he wants it finished before his martial arts school’s Halloween party that night.

Creating my sons' costumes is just one deadline among many: promoting the Signs of a Happy Baby book; working with my coaching and body therapy clients; shifting the name of my business completely from Touch Blue Sky to The Well-Crafted Mom before my business tax certificate expires (which so far has involved talking to the City and County of San Mateo, the California Massage Therapy Council, and the San Mateo Police Department and the project is still not done); and for some reason I decided that now would be a good time to have my home office painted so I’m sitting in my office this morning in the dark, illuminated only by the light of my computer screen since all the light fixtures are unplugged and the furniture is pushed to the center waiting for the painter to come this afternoon.

And then, every year, the holidays add a big pile of more onto an already full plate.

When I think about what’s coming in the next few months, I’ve considered having a full-blown meltdown, toddler style.

But last week, a light bulb went off: What if I started acting like a toddler? Like how my boys behaved when they were three-and-a-half and life just handed them too much to handle?

WWMTD? (What would my toddler do?)

With WWMTD in mind, I created a happier holiday guide with four life lessons from toddlers. The life lessons spell out GASP because I’d like to encourage you all (and repeatedly remind myself) to come up for air and take a deep, delightful breath during the holiday season.

Here are the steps for making the holidays happier (for you and everyone else):
• Get help. I have a dear, smart friend who I call "Kristy with a K" (because I also have another dear, smart friend named "Christy with a C”) who listened to me whine/share about my to do list and offered to help. Kristy has this magical way of organizing everything that I have to do and she helped me to prioritize my tasks in a way that made my to do list much more manageable. (It's all about Sharpies and sticky notes, folks.) Yesterday, she returned to work alongside me at the dining room table. She edited documents for the online media kit (is there anything this girl can’t do?) while I worked on the new Happy Baby Signs website.

A few years ago, I wouldn’t have accepted Kristy’s offer to help. I would have found a way to politely decline, explaining that I was too busy. In reality, I would have been too embarrassed to admit that I needed help. I still struggle with accepting help and even more with reaching out and asking for it. The chorus of voices in my head loudly insist that I should have my schedule figured out, I should know how to organize my time, I coach people how to do this, for goodness sake!

The negative thought that I should have everything all figured out doesn't serve me. I have another self-defeating thought that my successes don't count unless I do everything by myself. But this thought is dead wrong. Instead, these thoughts keep me stuck and prevent me from learning anything new. I’m discovering that graciously receiving help – instead of shoving it away – gets easier each time I do it. My goal for the holidays is to get lots of practice with asking and accepting help.

• Ask why. Before you say yes to another commitment, whether it’s helping out at the holiday fair or attending the Christmas party at your office, ask why like a toddler. Why do you want to go? Why do you want to spend time doing this thing instead of doing something else? Why are you feeling obligated? Why can’t you just stay home?

Asking why is particularly important around family obligations that may not fit with your new lifestyle as a parent. Your traditional plan to leave your in-laws’ home first thing on Christmas morning to get to your parents’ home three hours away in time for lunch may have been fine when you and your spouse were child-free. But now, with a toddler and baby in tow, the time in the car plus the overstimulation of the holiday plus the lack of naps might end up creating the most dismal of days.

Hot Tip: The question, “Why are we doing this?” is much better asked ahead of time and not midway through the three-hour drive/six-hour plane ride/formal family dinner at a fancy restaurant with children who have already melted down and are past the point of redemption.

• Say no. Saying no is hard. We don’t want to disappoint other people, especially close family and friends. However, as author Brené Brown reminds us, “Momentary discomfort is better than long-term resentment.”

Toddlers know how to say no quite well. This holiday season, channel your inner toddler and say no. Repeatedly.
“No, I don’t want to take on another commitment right now.”
“No, thank you. We’re busy that night.”
“No, we’ve decided to stay home on Christmas Eve and start a new holiday tradition with the kids.”

No. Nope. Nada. Make room for yourself and your family to enjoy the holidays by saying no – as best as you can – to what doesn’t delight and excite you.

• Play first. How much fun do you allow yourself to have during the holidays? Do you tell yourself that you’ll get on the floor and play with your kids AFTER the dishes, AFTER you put the load of clothes in the washing machine, AFTER the house is all spic-and-span?

How much are you missing by relegating your fun to AFTER?

I teach my clients tips and tools on how to masterfully delegate and ditch tasks so that they have the time to play. Start by letting go of what doesn't feed your soul or feed your family, whether it's a clean-enough-for-company house (I quote Dr. Seuss and tell myself that the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind) or perfectly wrapped presents (go for gift bags!)
 
Let what feels like fun guide you through the holiday season. Can your introverted self find a moment with some spiced cider to sit and warm your toes in front of the fire while your hubby puts the kids to bed – and warm up a cup for him as he joins you once they're asleep? Can you find a carefree afternoon or evening to window shop with your very best girlfriend? Are there enough leaves in your backyard to make a big pile to play in with your toddler – and then bring a handful of the most colorful leaves inside so you both can get messy gluing them onto construction paper to decorate the house?

Experts say that children are our best teachers. Take a deep breath and let your inner toddler show you the way to happier holidays.

Big hugs,
Kathleen


Want more help? Are you feeling overwhelmed already? Wondering how you’re going to say “No, thank you” to what you really, really don’t want to do? Need some new tools in your tool belt to get you through the next few months? Let me help you through the holidays with one-on-one support to give you support, ideas, and resources to deal with the obstacles that your life, job, extended family, spouse, and kids throw your way – so you can have the best and happiest holiday season ever. Sign up for your personal support here.

Or get ideas and support at my November groups for moms on Saturday, November 12th and Wednesday, November 16th. Save your spot at thewellcraftedmom.com/mini-retreats.


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Harder than it has to be

10/5/2016

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The question to ask to make everything easier
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A few years ago, my husband Bill took my chef's knives to be sharpened at a nearby kitchen supply store. While he was there, he found this different can opener. Delighted by all things new and newfangled, my husband brought this can opener home to me as a gift. The old, dull, tired can opener was tossed into the garage, in a pile of things to be sold at the next yard sale.

That evening, Bill showed me how the can opener worked as he easily opened a can of tomatoes for me while I prepared dinner. Bill put the opener on top of the can – not to the side like an ordinary opener would work – and he quickly sliced the  top off the can.

I tried it with the next can of tomatoes but couldn't get the opener to work. The blade wouldn't turn and Bill had to take over to finish.

From then on, every time I had to open a can of beans or tomatoes or soup, I fought with the can opener, trying to get it to do its job.

I hated that thing.

I spent a long time (years, actually) fighting with the opener, swearing at it (I called it fuckity fuck fuck), and getting mad every time I made chili or pasta sauce for dinner or when I simply wanted soup for lunch. Until one day, I was done. I stormed off to Target, grabbed a fat-handled can opener from the display of utensils, tromped to the register to pay for it, and brought it home, throwing fuckity fuck fuck in the give-away pile in the garage with a flourish.

Bill's question, understandably, was, "Where did that delightful, newfangled, easy-to-use can opener go?"

But the real question was, "What took me so long?"

Why was I holding on to something that made my life harder?

I'm asking this question again and again as my schedule gets even busier with Signs of a Happy Baby book marketing, managing a new assistant (thank you!), and working with new body therapy and coaching clients: What am I holding on to that makes my life even harder than it has to be?

Here's my preliminary list:
• Chores that can be delegated to my boys - not done perfectly but DONE.

• Facebook posts from people I don't know.

• Emails from marketing gurus, branding consultants, copywriting coaches and the like, when I can't remember why I signed up to be on their lists in the first place.

• Clothes that don't fit well, shoes that pinch, hair care products that don't live up to their promises.

• Alcohol because it no longer agrees with my perimenopausal brain and body and creates inner battles that I don't want to fight anymore.

Gone. All of it, gone. Delegated, ditched, or discarded into a growing pile in the freshly emptied and organized garage that's just waiting to be filled again after our yard sale last month.

And whether the item goes into the virtual trash on my computer, into the trash can alongside the house, or into the garage, its disappearance frees me, eases the weight on my shoulders, and reduces the things that fill my brain when I wake up for no reason at 4:30 a.m.  

Letting go feels good. So good that I want you to feel it, too. Throw something away today. It doesn't matter if it's a pair of shoes, a bad habit, or an old way of thinking that no longer fits. Let go of what you're hanging on to that makes your life harder, for really no reason at all.

And, as your reward for creating space in your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual home, watch philosopher/comedian Jerry Seinfeld as he reminds us that "all things on earth only exist in different stages of becoming garbage." 


Feeling stuck? Don't know where to start? Too attached to your stuff to let go? Let me help. Schedule a free consultation call with me and we'll figure out what comes next (and next after that).

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    The Well-Crafted Mom

    About

    I'm an author, certified life coach, and certified massage therapist who lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with my husband (William White of Happy Baby Signs), and our two sons, plus a rescue poodle, and a tabby cat that rolls over and fetches.

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