Months ago, I signed up to participate in my publisher’s program to write and launch my second book, going through the same publishing program in which I created The Well-Crafted Mom. As the start date grew closer and closer, I became more and more nervous about going through the process all over again.

It felt exactly like thinking about having baby number two and remembering every detail of what having baby number one was really like.

Sleepless nights. Exhaustion. A certainty that my whole life was held together by thin threads. That all it would take for things to completely unravel would be one fragile string snapping – like having a sick child stay home from school – and my precariously balanced schedule would fall to pieces.

Writing The Well-Crafted Mom, creating the business, and then trying to figure out how to make the business viable has been hard. I went into the writing program last year thinking I knew what I needed to do to write the book but the entire process took me by surprise. I didn’t manage my time well. I didn’t manage the writing process well. I leaned so hard on my husband that our marriage crumbled a little under the weight.

Launching the business has felt like making one mistake after the other. In my good moments, I call my mistakes “windows of opportunity,” but most of the time I feel like I’m falling out of these windows, one after the other. My mentor says this is what business is, this is how you get successful, this is why many people don’t ever try or why others try and then quit. You try, you fall, you climb back into your office to another window, and try again. The landings hurt but there’s a lot to learn from them. I’ve learned even more from what it takes to get ready to try again.

There have been times in the last year, after launching wholeheartedly out of yet another window, I’ve caught a little bit of air. For a moment, it’s felt just like flying.

Those are the moments I’m grateful for. There just haven’t been a lot of them – yet.

Last week, I decided to push back the start date for writing Book Two to later this year. To when I feel more solid in my business, more trusting that what I've stitched together in my life is stronger and better able to withstand the havoc wreaked by my writing schedule, when I'm more likely to fly when I launch myself out that window.

I missed the deadline to postpone.

So, this week I’m at another window, ready to launch myself wholeheartedly into Book Two. It’s going to be a book about baby sign language, a collaborative project between my husband Bill (the baby sign language guy) and me. It’s a project that creates its own challenges. My husband is passionate about baby sign language and I’ve worked hard over the last ten or so years to not get pulled into his orbit. Many times, it would have been so easy to settle into a support role for his business, utilizing my administrative, managerial, and marketing experience, circling his bright, shiny sun. I actually did for a while after letting go of my massage therapy practice in late 2014. I wasn’t very happy.

I don’t make a very good planet.

“You teach what you most need to learn,” wrote author Richard Bach. My moms’ groups this month will be big learning opportunities for me.

In my March groups, moms will be taking a look at the hard responsibilities, the obligations that feel obligatory, the tasks that can’t be ditched or delegated. We’ll all dig deep to decide why these pieces earn a place on our schedules. Why we choose to commit our precious time to doing what doesn’t always bring us immediate joy - or happiness ever. Knowing your why can give you purpose, ignite your own passion, and keep you motivated when you need a reason that’s bigger than the task at hand.

Getting clear on my why means making this book bigger than a “how to sign with your baby” book. When I know why I’m writing this book and collaborating with Bill, I’ll be able to shower what I write with magical light. The book becomes a true collaborative project, one in which Bill and I can both shine. We can nurture the book we’re creating – two bright stars giving our new little earth exactly what it needs to flourish.


In my Life Craft Cafe moms’ groups this month, I’ll be working with moms to teach them four ways to build a better To Do List, what I call the 4Ds: ditch what can be thrown overboard, delegate what someone else can take care of, do what brings you joy, and decide the reasons why you’re keeping what’s staying on the list. Moms will create a coaching + craft project that links the new lessons with a take-home talisman that helps integrate the new ideas into their daily routines. For more information and to register, visit thewellcraftedmom.com/life-craft-cafe

Karla Koop bustled into our meeting at the Kaffehaus in downtown San Mateo on a blustery Wednesday morning. After getting her coffee (and a chai latte for me), she sat across from me, her lively eyes lit up and excited as we talked about our ideas for collaboration between The Well-Crafted Mom and her Baby Boot Camp location (Redwood City/San Carlos/Belmont.)

A year ago, Karla was my life coaching client and her life felt very different. The mother of two young children, Karla had left her project management job to stay at home while her daughter was a baby. The demands of parenting – especially with a high needs/attachment parenting baby – left Karla feeling down and frustrated with her life. She didn’t know what to do to make things better.

“I was feeling lost in this life with my children,” recalled Karla as she warmed her hands around her mug. “And by staying home, I had lost purpose. My identity was completely gone.”

Karla had worked with a psychotherapist after her first child was born three years previously to help manage the transition into motherhood. Karla found that although counseling was helpful, it didn’t provide her with practical tools to make changes in her life. Karla heard about The Well-Crafted Mom from a friend who was a satisfied coaching client, and arranged a phone conversation with me to learn more about how life coaching works. My problem-solving approach appealed to Karla’s practical project management background and she signed up.

When Karla began coaching, she was physically drained from trying to do household chores while caring for her active son and daughter, who wanted to be held all the time. In her coaching sessions, Karla learned ways to apply self-coaching tools to her daily routines. “Using these tools helped me to create time for myself physically and mentally to think about what I wanted for me.”

After creating the time and energy to look at her life from a holistic perspective, Karla uncovered deeper issues of feeling disconnected, not challenged, and wanting to be of service in a bigger way. In one of our coaching sessions, I encouraged Karla to take small steps to build relationships with other moms, to reach out to other women and connect with them, to build authentic friendships.

In doing her “coaching homework,” Karla became closer friends with another mom, who confided she was moving and selling her Baby Boot Camp location. “I was the first person to say that I was really interested. She knew me and trusted me but she never would have thought of me if we hadn’t spoken.”

Because Karla had already built the foundation of managing her time and energy at home, she had the mental, physical, and emotional resources to take on this new challenge. Through her Baby Boot Camp programs, she supports moms and builds a strong community for families.

“I’m continually making choices so that I’m balanced – not perfectly but overall – in what I bring to my family home and business. Otherwise, instead of playing with moms and their babies in my fitness and wellness programs, I’d be playing catch up with my children every day,” says Karla, leaning back in her chair and smiling. “Life coaching helped me to create the time and mental space to build a business.”

When I talk to moms, I hear resignation in what they say …

• Being a stay-at-home mom is supposed to be hard.

• I should just accept the fact that I’m going to be sleep deprived until my son is older.

• I have two healthy, happy girls and a great husband. I shouldn’t want any more than that.

• I hate my job but we need the money. It is what it is.

I hear moms being resigned to their circumstances, living every day where they don’t want to be, believing that this is acceptance.

The difference between resignation and acceptance is like the difference between a long-term lease and an overnight stay. Although these two residences might seem similar, they’re actually worlds apart.

If resignation's motto is “It is what it is,” acceptance says, “This is what it's like right now.”

Resignation sets up house with words like have to, supposed to, and should. Resignation sweeps your difficult feelings under the dusty rugs and reminds you that you have everything you ever wanted, you’re lucky, you have no reason to be unhappy. Resignation sighs as she fills the bookcases and all the shelves with picture book stories of how your life is supposed to look. She pulls back the curtains and shows you the neighbor’s beautiful garden so you can compare your imperfect inside with your neighbor’s perfect outside.

Your journey is different when you approach your challenges with acceptance by your side. Acceptance allows you to acknowledge what you wanted is different from the reality of what you have. Acceptance places frustration, grief, resentment, even disappointment for the sick baby, sucky job, and the endless list of tasks and responsibilities on the table where you can see everything clearly. After wallowing for a bit in the messiness of where you are right now, whether it's your sleep-deprived situation, the bickering in your marriage, or your micro-managing boss, you and acceptance pack up and move on.

Resignation takes up permanent residence, saying “This is where we live.”

Acceptance doesn’t stay.

Acceptance knows this cliche is true: Home is where the heart is. Follow your heart on this journey. Let acceptance help you find your way.

I always feel left out during the Girl Scout cookie season. I’ve been gluten-free for five years and every year I’ve had to say no to Thin Mints, Trefoils, and Samoas. So I was delighted when my college roommate, Stefanie, told me about Girl Scouts’ gluten-free cookie, Toffee-Tastic and offered to bring a box to our monthly dinner. This month, Stefanie (who’s the mom of twin first grade Girl Scouts) and I met in Pleasanton, on her side of the Bay. After a three-hour dinner + conversation + reconnection, we said goodbye and I put the Toffee-Tastic cookies in my giant purse, promising to text soon to schedule our next dinner date.

The drive home took about 40 minutes – and I thought about the box of Toffee-Tastic cookies the whole way home. I kept reaching for the cookie box in my purse on the passenger seat, but I resolved to wait, deciding to treat myself when I wasn’t distracted by driving.

The next day, I spent the morning working on my computer and talking to clients and then picked my sons up from school at 12:40. They get out of school early on Wednesdays so we had lunch together and then my older son went back to his room to finish his algebra homework and my younger son went to his room to practice the clarinet. I made a cup of tea and settled on the couch in the family room with three Toffee-Tastic cookies. A moment to relax. A sweet treat. A reward for working hard all morning. I took a bite.

The cookie was horrible. Gritty. Dry.

I was so disappointed.

I had a hard time accepting that the cookies weren’t what I expected, and I experienced all sorts of emotions in addition to disappointment. I even felt angry. Expectations announce themselves with words like “should” and “supposed to.” I told myself I should have gotten the treat I’d been waiting for.

Coaching Tip: When you replace the should or supposed to with the word want, you can quickly find the desire behind the expectation, and uncover a bit more happiness in the process.

After all that waiting, I really, really wanted a cookie. I dug through the pantry and found a recipe for gluten-free oatmeal toffee cookies on the back of the bag of Bob’s Red Mill gluten-free oatmeal and made a very tasty treat for myself (and my family, too).
 
If the Girl Scout cookie season leaves you feeling a little left out, too, check out the recipe for the oatmeal toffee cookies in The Well-Crafted Moms Club Facebook group files (join here!) And, if you understandably don’t have time to bake, Trader Joe’s gluten-free chocolate chip cookies are delicious.

Hugs,
Kathleen

I’m a certified life coach and the author of the Amazon bestselling book The Well-Crafted Mom. I support moms who know they want their relationships to be different, their burdens to be lighter, their lives to be more like what they've imagined. I work with moms in groups and in one-on-one sessions so that they can navigate their way forward; I hold hope and clarity for moms even when they can’t see where to take the next step. In my coaching practice, I integrate crafts with coaching because I think we learn best when we're creative (even for moms who think they aren't) and when we can use all the power our brains have to offer: both the left and right sides of the brain, the logical and practical mixed in with the emotional and spiritual. By creating a talisman, you allow the connections between the body, heart, and soul to come together in new ways. To talk with me about coaching + crafts and how we can work together, schedule a free consultation with me.

•  “Just a second.” You hear yourself telling your children to wait when they want you to play, listen, watch this, fix something, make food, sit down, hold this or do that because you just don’t have a minute to spare right now.

• It feels like you’re always playing a game of catch up - with the dishes and the laundry, with the piles of paper from the mail and from your child’s school, with work, with every single one of your relationships, and with everything else that’s on your plate.

• You’re always rushing everywhere, racing to fit in as much as you can in the tiny bits of time you have available.

• You sigh way more than you used to. Your life just feels so hard all the time.

• You know you need more “self-care” in your life. You just can’t figure out how you’d find the time to do it.

• It never feels like you get to the end of your day because there’s always more that needs to get done. It’s more like you only get a short pause before it’s daylight (or before someone else is awake and needs you) and then it’s time to get up and start doing all over again.

• You try to create a protective bubble around work but your home life keeps breaking through - your child’s daycare calls because your son is sick again and they want you to come pick him up now, you’re late again because you couldn’t find your toddler’s shoes (and when you did, it took forever to get him to sit still long enough to get them on his feet), or the nanny texts that she needs to leave early today because of her family emergency.

• You’re prickly with your husband; everything he does or says seems to set you off. All it takes is one comment about how he saw an ant on the counter and you snap, telling him that if keeping the kitchen clean is so important, maybe he could pick up a sponge once in a while.

And now you’ll have to find time to fix that problem.

Sigh.

You know you can do anything you put your mind to. But when you try to do everything, you end up giving your family, your work, and all of your relationships only the Leftover You.

Trying to do it all sabotages your marriage, your health, and your happiness. You can’t climb your way out of overwhelm by doing more, more, more. But that’s exactly the mistake many moms make. It was the mistake I made when my kids were younger - and the lesson that I needed to relearn last year when I added writing a book and building a new business onto my already super-full plate.

In the past, I believed that working hard and then working even harder could solve any problem. But I learned the hard way that my old mantra just isn’t true. Working hard doesn’t solve the baby’s colic. Working harder doesn’t magically make more time in your schedule for your kids. Working hard just adds more when what you need is less - fewer commitments, less stress, a lighter load all around.

Join me on my Friday Free Call for moms on February 5th. I’ll talk about why it’s so important to stop spreading yourself so thin. And, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ll also talk about ways to make more room for your marriage on your already full plate. If you can’t make the call, sign up anyway to get the recording so you can listen to the call when it works best for you. Sign up for the call here.

Hope you can join the call!
Kathleen